Road Rage

I quit driving because of bad timing:
I couldn’t brake fast enough.
‘Slow down,’ my dad would say, and I
would stop abruptly instead.
I do not have that gear.

*

When you said, ‘Let’s take it slow’,
I was already at the altar,
waiting for you.

Our car crashed before you could make it there.

– Smita Mathur

Birthday Registry: Things I want

I love my birthday, and why anyone who does not appreciate their day of birth is totally bizarre to me.

As a kid, I’d have a pretty regular birthday list; the latest Barbie doll, possibly with the Kelly or Ken doll, lots of doll clothes, and Swati clothes, some cool accessories,  chocolates – and a mandatory Swati Birthday party. I’m trying to think of a year I didn’t have a birthday party – and I can’t. Every year was something. But that’s me, I love my birthday and I wait for it literally the whole year. My countdown begins a day after my birthday, if not on it.

And since birthdays are synonymous with presents, I was wondering what I wanted to gift myself this birthday. I’m already travelling to Disneyland for my birthday- which is really the best of presents you can get yourself!

But, it also got me thinking if I had a registry, what would I want? Stick with me here, I’m about to sound “super mature” (I know, not many adults will actually use the word super mature).

1. Learning to live in the moment: I know how it isn’t necessary to documenting everything online, and yet I find myself doing it – and for whom? I end up missing the fireworks while I’m taking a video for god-knows-who! I’d like to teach myself to live more in the moment. Not every sunset needs a picture – a mental one, however, might be mandatory. 
2. Enjoy more sunsets: Make more time to find me by the beach during sunset, i.e. my happy place.
3. Being okay with people who don’t like me: I don’t take rejection very easily, and I really am not a fan of people not liking me. Not blowing on my trumpet, but I’m rather easy going and I’ve always ended up making friends easily. But, I need to remind myself that there will always be people who don’t like me, and it isn’t necessarily my fault or problem.
4. To stop wishing to change things that can’t be changed. There will be a lot that I can change, and I will – but there will be something that I can’t do anything to change, and that is okay.
5. To stop saying ‘sorry’ for everything: Learning the difference between actually being ‘sorry’ for when I’m wrong and just saying ‘sorry’ because I have been conditioned to apologize.
6. Remembering that I’m not obliged to putting myself down just to make somebody else happier or more comfortable.
7. Listen to my gut: I’ve got a pretty strong gut feeling thing (mechanism? Not sure what to call it!) and I’ve got to follow it more.
8. Not let little things make me anxious: I’m very easily freaked out, and as I’m turning 25, that is something I’d really like to reward myself – to not let the little things make me so anxious and jumpy.
9. Not taking myself so seriously: Remembering that not every emotion and every feeling needs to be analyzed, sometimes (especially when there is no gut feeling involved) let the fleeting feeling be just that – fleeting.
10. Make more time for my best friends: Yes, they are there. Yes, we are all busy. But, no, that doesn’t mean you don’t make the effort to not check up on them really often especially when they live so far away.
11. The ability to say ‘no’: ‘No’ could be a complete sentence. Sometimes.

 

Silences

I battle many monsters in my head,
each a Hydra, Medusa.
I can’t wrap my head
around the heads
to be beheaded
without turning to stone.

Nietzsche lied.
We have gazed into the abyss long enough.
and she has never
not even once
gazed back.

Happiness Collides

Happiness collides,
With a little sorrow and mumbling lies.
Knew you from a time before,
Knew enough, to know you more.
You continue looking,
Straight into my eyes.
Talking in another language,
I couldn’t confide.

I still remember the softness
Of your beautiful eyes.
I miss the way you looked at me,
And how you made me smile.
All those pretty flowers,
On the day things went bad.
I also remember the day,
You left me, sad.

There’s this happiness,
And an old melancholy.
It’s like from another time,
We knew and when we met.
Formality and manners,
Greetings and words.
What have we come to-
From lovers to this?

I hug you tight,
And you hold me close.
We don’t talk of the past,
Just smile at us.
I still feel the fireworks,
The little, that are left.
I still feel the happiness,
And the sorrow, that we fell.

I cannot understand what this is,
What this meeting meant.
I have nothing bad to swear,
Only good feelings to bear.
So, one thing went wrong,
And it was a big blunder.
But, what we had,
I’d cherish forever.

Hope, you.

The gush of the wind,
Awoke my slumber,
I reached for my phone,
Nothing again, I trembled.
Languishing with my thoughts,
Awaiting escape to another slumber.

Whole twinkling passes,
Nothing again, I know.
My imagination runs with wings,
Thinking my phone would ring.
You’d want to come back,
I wouldn’t have to ask,
You would, you would call.

But, I told you not to.
Never to call again.
Yet, at every tick,
I hope it’s you.

The sound of my own breath,
Too loud, yet empty.
In this lull of the night,
If I could wish for you,
I might.
Hope falls like dried leaves of fall,
Nothing again, tempted to look.
Fallen daisies, hyperbole anticipations,
Empty answers and my fragmenting heart.
I told you not to, but I hope you do.

Write Away

So, I have a friend who doesn’t think her writing is good enough. And another friend who thinks her writing isn’t good enough And another friend… well, you get the point. So, the purpose of this post is how to make you realise that your writing is less shitty than you think it is (because I have just been called a chill advice dispenser, and I take my duties seriously). Make sure you’ve got the ingredients right, and don’t be too harsh on yourself!

1. PRACTICE
See, practising writing all genres is extremely important. There is always room for improvement when you write, and if there are nitty-gritties in your writing that bother you, you can always resolve them through practice.

2. FEEL YOUR GENRE
I have friends who believe that practising writing engenders talent. I disagree. I feel like we’re all formed from our experiences and our writing styles reflect that. Some people are more comfortable writing humour, some are more inclined to write murder mysteries, some can write funny murder mysteries. Through practice, you need to figure out what your genre is (or are, if you have multiple genres that you can write).

 

3. RECONCILIATION
The genre you feel might not always correspond to what you’re interested in. For example, I am interested in psychological thrillers but I can’t write them–they’re not my genre. On the other hand, Indian marriage scene is not something I’m interested in, but I can write it well enough (I guess). So yeah, you need to find a way to reconcile what you’re interested in and the genre(s) you can write.

4. EUREKA MOMENTS
Writing is not always a thing you can do at will. It’s like food–if you force it too much, it comes out like crap. While I believe that writing is something that you have to work for, I also believe that there are moments of inspiration that you have that ease the process of writing (in the food metaphor, these moments of inspiration are like water).

5. START WITH THE BASICS
Strengthen your plot-making skills, characterization, descriptions, etc. to feel better about your writing.

6. STOP OVER-ANALYSING YOUR WRITING.

7. ASK FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S HONEST INPUT.
This will only make your writing better, even if your pride takes a thrashing. It hurts (a lot), but it helps you grow.

Happy writing!
(Also, if you guys want me to look over your writing, just message the page on Facebook!)

Ouroboros

I can’t watch you lounging in your chair

in only a vest and boxer shorts

and not feel like

this is it.

 

I am made of desire

and it swallows me whole.

It never ends.